EP 1 - Hello World!
“You need to journal! Write down your feelings!”
Those were, and still are, the constant words of my wife. I like writing, but for some reason, I also don’t like writing. There’s a permanence to it, that, maybe I anticipate finding myself ashamed. Make no mistake (hah… pun intended), there will be grammatical errors, typos, wrong ideas, jumping to conclusions, and unstructured writing in this attempt to write down a personal, yet public, journal.
In Kindergarten, while jumping rope, I peed my pants. There…. I said it.
A101 - that was my classroom (shout out to Kanoelani alum). It was the first classroom at Building A which made it the furthest from the restrooms located on the opposite side of the building. Whenever we finished with classwork early, we earned time to play quietly with toys or we can go right outside the door and jump rope. I chose to go outside.
In the middle of jumping rope, I had the urge to pee, but I was having so much fun, that I tried to delay the need until the very last moment. Soon, I couldn’t hold it anymore and went to tell the teacher. After getting permission, I skipped down the hallway towards the restroom. …Maybe I shouldn’t have skipped.
When I reached the restroom, I didn’t need to pee anymore.
When I looked back… a trail.
And when I paused to reflect…. wet shorts.
Even today, 30+ years later, whenever that memory comes to the front of my mind, my body tenses as I cringe and try to forget the memory altogether. That’s what I feel about writing. The thought of looking back isn’t a great incentive. Ironically, for all the world to see, I posted my most vulnerable memory.
But there’s also an impermanence to it all. One of the greatest achievements of our species is the fact that we can unload the ideas in our head and manifest them on paper. Call it a form of reflection or meditation or whatever, but I think the process of writing also means that we don’t need to work hard to keep everything in our head even if we can. We have this venue of letting go… tangibly letting go.
We come face to face with our thoughts as we reread every written (or typed) word. This encounter allows us to dwell with the thought but we also get to have closure when we close the notebook or turn off the computer. It’s there, it will always be there, but doesn’t have to be the forefront thought anymore. I guess the same thing happens when you talk story with friends but I like writing more, I can take time to cultivate my words… to really say what I wanted to say more completely.
But I don’t even know who would be reading this blog to be honest. Am I writing for me in the future, for a friend, or even for a stranger? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I want to treat it like a prayer… authentic outward expression of faith. A venue for letting go, a place for healing, and an opportunity for community.
Well, now you know that I peed my pants in Kindergarten… and that’s OK. I can let go of that memory because I passed it on to you. Having said that, in today’s reflection I realized that I’m the only one that remembered. No one from my childhood ever brought up it after that moment. The next day my friends were still my friends. No one teased me. No one was ashamed of me.
…I was the only one ashamed of myself. I was the only one, after all these years, that still remembered.
In Kindergarten, it was required that all students had a change of clothes stored in school. That day was my day that I needed them. Other friends could’ve used their change of clothes… but I just realized, I don’t remember anything about that. If my friends did do something embarrassing, then, I, too, just moved on and continued being their friend.
I guess that’s the lesson today in my time with God and with you, that we can move on. May take 30+ years, but still possible.
Whatever embarrassment happened today, tomorrow is a pair of clean underwear and shorts.
-Deacon Jeff